So as you know I am a big nerdy git! I like all the Star Wars stuff blah blah blah...I'm also very fond of Lord of the Rings and can't wait for the Hobbit to be made. I have the occasional peak around the net to see what the latest rumours are and stunbled across and website full of joke rumours that just killed me. I would actually like these to be true just to see such a movie. Here are a few of the best rumours for anyone who likes Tolkien:
1. The 13 dwarves from the book will be changed to the much more popular and easier to remember 7 dwarves. In an effort to embrace diversity the group of dwarves will consist of a fat one, a smart one, an asian one, a black one, a stupid one, an irritable one and a girl. The black one dies at the hands of the trolls in the first 30 minutes.
2. Ron Perlman, contrary to the rumors, will not play Beorn. He will play the female dwarf Oina who will serve as the love interest to Bilbo. This casting decision made more sense when it was leaked that Oina will be bearded as per Tolkien’s original conception of Dwarven women.
3. Bilbo will be represented as a teenage hobbit who must return from his quest before the weekend is over and his parents get back from their vacation. Casting has narrowed possible actors for the role down to Robert Pattinson or Shia Labeouf. Principal photography will commence on the ”cleaning montage” scene soon after.
4. Incorporating technology used in the film Little Man, Orlando Bloom will be transformed into “baby Legolas” and will help Bilbo and the 7 dwarves escape imprisonment at the hands of his father’s Wood Elves through a variety of wacky homemade traps.
5. After the popularity of “black-bot” in Transformers, Smaug will be portrayed as a jive talking dragon who wishes a motherfucker would try to steal his treasure. Casting has narrowed possible voice actors for the role down to Chris Tucker or Robert Downey Jr.
6. The Battle of Five Armies will become the Battle of Ten Armies featuring Elves, Dwarves, Humans, Eagles and Unicorns vs Goblins, Spiders, Balrogs, Nazgul and Dementors. It will take up the final 90 minutes of the movie.
7. As a nod to the newly popular (post Harry Potter) “gay wizard” archetype, an unrated European version will be released with an extended furry sex scene between Gandalf and Beorn in his bear form. In an effort to make sure it is tastefully done the studio has contacted Zack Snyder, director of 300 and Watchmen to direct the scene.
Obviously I cannot take credit for this list! For the original website click
here.